Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
