What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
