I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.