it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
