youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.