2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
