I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
