Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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