I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
