i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
