I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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