No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.