Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.