i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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