Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
