I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
