Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
