I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
