we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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