I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
