Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
