two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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