apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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