You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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