party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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