I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
