I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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