His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
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Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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