So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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