At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
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I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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