I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
