I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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