come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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