i was born a porn star she said
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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