So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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