did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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