I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
