I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We need a shit load of segways right now
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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