Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
