i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
