Can i not drive my cunt home
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
