sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
