i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
