You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
