tonight lets celebrate not being married
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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