I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Houston, we have a blender
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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