He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
