go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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