Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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