Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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