There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
