He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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