some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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