I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
