I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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