I accidentally had phone sex last night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
