I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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