Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
