at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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