Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
